Stare into the God's eyes.

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 .....It was real cold morning and i was walking on a crowded road yet all alone.I was shivering from outside and inside wondering what went wrong? The only thing which wasn't numb were  my eyes.. i could feel my warm tears rolling down my cheeks & ending on my inner lips.I call it recycling of tears (aah this 1z a nerdy joke too..cant help)..I wonder how my tears taste like, though I never tasted them intentionally . But these days I was addicted to that taste. They were like the lifeline for my brain to tire itself. Tears never changed anything and neither they will but still we cry... And I who once upon a time was strong..cried like a 2 yr. old baby... 
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...There comes a stage when you keep on crying for hours ending up in sobs.. convincing myself , clearing my mind, hours of thinking process.. But then in a fraction of seconds you are back to level zero and this time worst than the last time. The pain in head was unbearable and i was looking around like a kid who lost his way home. Situation looks strange but stranger are the faces people make when they look at your  worst face and red eyes. I saw many faces that morning and they shook me from inside. I really don't know how to make to write what i experienced that day...
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..I have this strange habit of walking in a wrong lane against the flowing waves of crowd. I remember my dad scolding me for that ."Never walk on the wrong side. All that you will get is a bad hit on your shoulder". But there i was doing it again and again. maybe that made my shoulders strong. (..no!...Not again.). I saw many faces that morning and they shook me from inside. I really don't know how to make to write what i experienced that day...

.......This experience was very different......on my way to nowhere with my head hanging out of my body looking down to hell where I was... I got a hit on shoulder by a stranger's shoulder....I looked up from hell steright into his eyes...He looked at me... his eyes were young and strong but I could sense the negativity in his thought. we both stopped and made eye contacts for two seconds...i looked at his face now...He looked at my sad face and smiled ... as if he was enjoying the show of my painful eyes...I looked back to the hell where i belong and moved foreward...
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        Another hit .... i was least bothered to see the same negative world and bad people with evil smiles... But there was a difference this time.. the stranger's shoulder had touched me gently... so it forced me to look up into his eyes again.. The eyes were young as mine..it was strange but hen he looked at my face his face changed into a sad mode.. as if he understood the pain I was in .. I could feel the same pain in his eyes .. maybe he was doing the same ... walking it out...But it didn't eased my pain a bit... so i moved ahead..
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       This time I think hit someone bad...i looked up...The wrinkled eyes... calm & experienced. They were of an old man who has seen the world & people already.  He looked at me & it took him no time to realize my pain. He stopped & gave me a gentle & warm smile..He stared into my eyes and  it was relaxing me ...I saw his old lips moving .. they said " Make a nice day son because It has always been on you!".. It was like god speaking to me himself .. It shook me inside.. God spoke to me??.. I couldn't believe. I blinked & the old man disappeared into the waves of the crowd....I tried to find him but efforts were useless..
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     I kept on searching .. I wanted to talk to this strange old man....i really wanted to ... on my way to search him .. my eyes caught a 6 year old boy standing near the road with his cycle.... He was crying  like I was moments back..... I think he got hit by someone and crashed like i did ... I saw his pain ....however small it was but i was big  pain for a little heart... like mine.... he looked at me... the way i looked at people in the crowd........
........It shook me again.....What to do ?.....Then something happened... I forgot my pain .. no matter how big it was... i really forgot... i heart calmed down , my heart started beating normally...All that i could hear was my own voice... " I know what to do"...I went off the road towards the boy. I stood in front & looked at him. At first he was scared wondering what am I going to do...Then he calmed down..He knew i was not going to hurt him.....
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... I got down on my knees .. held his small vernuable shoulders..in my hands and said "Lemme help you son!"... He nodded... My eyes again got filled with tears but now they were relaxing me... I controlled myself...stood up.. lifted his toy cycle  & asked him to hold my hand.. he did that...I took him to a candy shop... bought him some candies...The kid was happy..he smiled at me.. he was happy from inside.. like i am now...I grabbed his little cheeks in my fingers and said... "Make a nice day son..it has always been on you..."...i don't know if a 9 year old kid got the meaning of my words.. but I was sure of what i was saying... .

................. I LOOKED AT THE SKY & SAID " I MADE A NICE DAY SIR!"
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Lips of her shadow ....

There I was concealing myself in a dark room which wasn't perfectly dark. My eyes were staring at the light leaking inside along the edges of the door from the outside world. The light wasn't reaching me at its maximum speed because the photons were loaded with zillions of heavy thoughts ( nerdy humor), they were on my mind through my eyes....

The profoundness of the thoughts goes uncontrollable sometimes, specially when you are waiting for someone so desperately. I turned my head and preferred to face the darker side. In situation like these most of us choose to close our eyes but some of us (like me) try to distill strange figures from the darkness. During these unconscious process one can actually see things in dark and it gets difficult to figure out the difference between real and imaginary.

Out of the darkness she appeared. I don't know how to admire her beauty. If I ask my eyes to explain..... they refuse. I think to see some one's beauty the role of light isn't that important. All you need is a real sense of the way you should see the beauty & trust me she was looking so amazingly amazing. I was scared and so she was. Her figure in the dark was approaching me. In seconds i stood up and grabbed her in my arms. Both of us were so scared that we could feel each other's heart beats which were in sync too ......

I hugged her tighter and we stood still for seconds to feel the thrill and excitement... something real worth ... Her body was warmer than mine and breathing was heavy. The best way to see someone so close is to feel her breath. I closed my eyes and I could feel the warm exhaled blow on my neck. I could feel the warmth of the sunshine over my skin. Now the beats were slower and we knew it was the time which we were waiting for. My fingers pushed that beautiful layer of hair from her face behind her ear and gently held her neck with one hand and waist from the other. I could feel her warm fingers on my chest. Faces came so close that I could feel her breaths right below my nose. My mind went numb and lips went dry....... and then we KISSED. Her lips we so soft that I could feel the warm blood flowing in them. Lips were wet and the kiss was amazingly smooth...few seconds there...This kiss the very first autograph of our love........

When i will switch off the lights and the world will get colder she will come again to give me her warmth and her love will be imprinted on my lips...... she promised ....... :)

Half-alive but wont give up....

It's been three days since I slept.World is so silent.. so cold.. all i can hear are rain drops falling on my window screen....Sometimes they strike with anger other times they cry in silence like I do..unbearable silent cries like that of an innocent child. I don't want to hear them so I put my earphones on and close my eyes. The sound of rain drops fades somewhere in the intensity of the slow music..I try to go with the flow but my mind is still restless, eyes are wet.I can feel the heat flowing out of them,they are tired...tired of the world.They want to sleep.
I can still hear my thoughts so I raise the volume but it doesnt works. I put some rock and go with the lyrics . Yes! seems it is working. I think am the only guy on the planet who gets peace in rock now..m helpless..slowly as i go with the lyrics my heart-beat slows down. I am calm and thoughtless again ..
(minutes later).... I open my eyes I see her lying next to me again like yesterday and a day before.She is still sleeping. I can feel her breath on my face. Her hand is still in mine but not responding as always....I want her to realize that I am still with her like i was but i cant move my body because my brain is at rest...i want to shout but i can't..I want to wake her up and look at me. Have you ever felt the feeling of the sinking in ice cold water when you are tied to the large rock and thrown?.. you want to swim,need air and you want to survive..but the water makes your body numb and you cant move it...slowly the cold water slows everything down ....and after minutes everything stops...i want to wake her up and let her know ..but everything stops for me the same way.. I am not giving up...but I am not surviving either....
My face is in front of her's. Slowly she opens her beautiful eyes .. dark and shiny eyes. She looks at me & she smiles..."I am with you and I LOVE you. Stay with me and i will do whatever it takes. be with me ....ill never let you go.." is what I want to tell her but my tongue is so heavy..tear rolls down my face ... She looks at the first and the finest drop of it. Her eyes widen she comes closer and whispers..."you are crying? I told you that if you will stay with me you will be in pain forever.I cant see you like this...it is because of me..I have to leave you now but I am with you forever.."
She leaves my hand and slowly gets up .Still looking into my eyes...she stands with sadness on her face and says "Ill be there for always"...(her image is fading ).. no I cant let this happen to us. i should do something i should shout loud .."come back !come back to me please !!!"...
I jumped out of my bed..sweat on my forehead...music in my ears..metallica.I check the time it wasn't morning yet.... it took me seconds to realize that it was a dream ...Just a dream !!
I survived the forth sleepless night... trust me nothing to feel glad about....my eyes are still tired and i want to sleep ....
But all i really want is HER ........nothing else matters..... "Be mine" .....

Gods are dead .....

Religion has the best bullshit story of all time. It has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has few specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer,burn, scream, until the end of time. But he loves you.He loves you and he needs money.

What the hell happened to my world ?

I look around with my eyes wide open. I am shocked ... the world is at a never-ending war , blood shed , tears & cries which will never be heard. Who will hear them. Gods ? They were never alive .....

Who is responsible?

Is it the god? Is it the religion? is it about the religious teachings written in the holy books? is it about the color or lifestyle? is it about money? is it about power? ......... I think about it for hours and i never get a real answer.

How can a man kill other with guns and bombs just for somethings which is not even created by him but a gift from nature. A nature which is going to die soon. Man is killing his creator, his family and all the living things which share the gifts with him. Everything near him is dying.

what is peace ?? i have only heard about it ....

Living life in one night .

There comes a time when you need to choose between right and wrong. I think the truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do.The hard part is doing it. It doesn't matter if i'll get the same memorable moments again because all that matters is that i got some.

I reached the hardest part ..... I was scared but then i knew i had to ..... so i held my breath, zero guts. my heart beat raised and i was thirsty.

Her hand was empty, (the one without the ring) & there I was lying right next to her. her palm was open just for me. I used to dream about such a moment with her and when it came partially true I was scared but I was in right state of mind.This was the first time when I was so close to her,I could smell her fragrance. I knew that the moment may not return. The time was running as fast as it could but for me it froze. I could feel the gravity of the situation.(I could practically see the Einstein's theory of general relativity which says time goes slower in higher gravitational fields.I hate my nerdy humor )..

Anyways I wanted to reach that palm as fast as i could but then a thought stopped me. My very own thought talked to me.It asked me "what i am about to do is right?What about people who love me? Am i ready to take my life to the next level? what about traditions ? On what grounds ? is she the right one? ...

questions were tough ... each one of them ... but it was time to take a stand ..."now or never.I gave it a fight that night.

My love for something or someone is very genuine and honest. I always had that thirst for someone who is matured,confident,successful,lovable,honest & extremely cute! :).I never hesitated to go against the winds of traditions because I believe in a new beginning of everything or anything. Someone has to take stand and it doesn't really matters where you start, all that matters is that the consequences should be controlled.The intense feeling hidden somewhere deep was going out of control & I was helpless.

That night in the silent clashes of zillion thoughts all that I could hear was .."she is the one! she is the one i was waiting for from so long ".I wanted to make her life more beautiful than she had ever imagined. I wanted to be with her forever.

I followed my heart... I slowly pushed my hand towards her hands and then within fractions of second I held it. I held it with softness and love like i never going to leave it. Her amazing eyes were closed & she chose not to respond.I think she was scared too or maybe she didn't want to give some wrong signals to me which was very genuine and wise of her at that very moment.

But there is one thing she needs to know that I will not give up.

For next few hours I was just staring at her hand and her face. My first experience with thoughtlessness.

She brought peace to my mind ..